We had a good rain today, lasted for almost an hour.  In the High desert, usually all rain does is get things dirty and than its gone.  I got to the field and when the clouds cleared just before sunset, I notice that the Wind River Range was all white.  we've had a bit of snow over 10,000 feet before this, but it looks like everything over 8000 is white.  not long now.

6 days left in this rotaiton, ready to be done with it...:  hell I'm always ready to be done with it.

I road up to the pad about 5:30 pm tonight.  They had already started up the next stage, the pumps at full power, the exhaust smoke rising into the air.  I could hear the roar of the engines even inside the truck.  I saw the mechanics truck parked near the Frac Cat Trailer.  a few people standing around talking.  I can't hear shit when i'm that close to the trucks.  Too much background noise to really hold a conversation.

Less than an hour of daylight left.  won't be long and We won't even have that. lol...I could tell the Sunset would be pretty tonight.  the Sun was already behind some clouds.  The wind has been moving pretty good.  The air is cold, must be in the 40's now, it's going to be a bit brisk tonight.  I think I will be wearing my jacket when out and about.  Might need a little bit more cover on my head as well...lol  Even in the middle of winter I can't stand much of a hat.  The stages are getting faster.  we should be able to get three down tonight.  that should mean that we will be rigging down tomorrow night and moving to the next pad.

It's a productive shift so far.  will be a good bonus check next month for the time spent.   Knock on wood or something like it, it's been quite out here as far as the equipment working.  it was like that last time.  a whole week of everything working than a week of shit.  lol  usually waits for Erik to come back on shift.   He seems to get the brunt of it.  I almost feel bad, but than again, I'll get over it.

I did say almost.

Not a bad week so far. been getting in good workouts,  only 4 or 5 hrs sleep a night, but we'll see how that effects me next week.  Usually if I can keep it consistent, it works well.  Monday is the tipping point, when I can count down the days...hell I start counting as soon as I get here...lol  Had a little bit of work to get done here,  Since I can't walk in between the pumps right now, (they had a guy get killed last week)  not much to do until we are in between stages.  than it's only 20 minutes of looking, walk around and show myself.  I wasn't very motivated last  night to work on stuff.  tonight is a bit different.  I will be very busy.    Still gets pretty old by 3am...lol  this morning I laid down and fell asleep in a moment.  still woke up by noon.

didn't work out real hard today.  maybe 40 minutes max and not much in effort.  some bike some treadmill...some weights.  Tomorrow I will take off.  Tonight I will try and get 5 miles of walking in.   I'm like a squarral in a big gage, walking around the pad.  about 300 feet by 400 feet.  push ups and situps,  I'll push it pretty hard tonight since I'll have tomorrow to recover.

I've made good progress over the last 3 or 4 rotations.  I can do 200 sit-ups and push ups over a couple of sets in a shift.   LOL  when I started working on it I won't even say what I did.  I've reached my goal of doing 100 sit-ups in a single set, but still am working on push-ups...only up to 60 in a row...I'll get to that 100 mark in few more rotations.  No practical value (well maybe one thing) but I should just be able to do it.  not my favorite thing to work on.

I'm curious how I'm doing on weight this rotation.  the last two have not gone well....I'll see if I have better control than the last few times.

Well someone wants me...lol  guess i'll go do some work....

The color of the sky grabbed my attention as I walked through the forest.  A breeze moved the tops of the trees, making them dance in a field of blue.  I was in the middle of my hike, I can't recall how long I had been walking, but it was mid afternoon.  I had a long way to go to finish my day but it was one of those days I didn't really care.  This place was as beautiful as any I had seen and I was in no hurry to see the end of my day. 

It was like one moment the world was at peace and the next everything changed.  I came over a hill and discovered something I really didn't want to find.  A bear was eating on something dead.  I couldn't tell what it was, there wasn't much left, mostly fur and blood and bone.  The adrenaline hit was amazing, but I froze, not a breath.  My first response was to run, but a calmer voice held me still.  The bear was busy, and hadn't seen me.  I stood there frozen, not moving, thinking that I have been in place for a thousand years.

I don't remember moving, but the next thing I knew I had fallen, a stone underfoot gave way sending me to one knee.  stone and dirt rolling down hill, it seemed as if I had caused an avalanch.  the noise was defening, and all I could think was that I didn't hear the bear eating anymore.  I had lost site of it when I slipped and now I didn't dare move, didn't even want to look up.  I heard something moving in my direction, the bear had only been 25 yards away....I wasn't waiting to see if it found me.

I don't remember the specific ground that I covered, I fled down the trail that I had just come up.  I didn't look back I didn't want to know, I just kept running.  I didn't remember the specifics, nothing looked familiar anymore.  I could hardly breath.  Short sucking breaths, I was already exhausted and It didn't seem that I had gone that far.  I don't remember ever being this afraid.  the sweat from my running was dripping off my face.  I climbed the next hill, it overlooked the trail I had just traveled, so I stopped and took a moment to catch my breath.  I looked back, I held my breath.  all I could hear was the breeze moving the tree's.  I looked intently, expecting it to come out of the brush, but I saw nothing, I heard nothing, except the blood pumping through my veins.  It seemed to pound in my head, causing the sweat to pour out of me faster.

My body was shacking from the effort of my movements.  still looking behind me I began to move forward on the trail.  Not the smartest thing, because I didn't see the branch on the ground and I tripped, falling forward over the trunk of the tree it had come off of.  I put my right hand out to stop my fall, but I was too late.  I came down on the log, my right side exposed, my ribs coming in contact with the tree, all my weight pushing down.  I could hear my ribs crack.  The breath came out of my mouth in a gasp, I couldn't even make a sound if I wanted to.  I was in so much pain, it was all I could do to roll myself off the log.  I rolled onto my back, I could see the blue of the sky between the trees, I didn't find any of it interesting, all I could think about was how stupid I was.  My breaths came in short painful puffs.

I laid there for what seemed like hours, waiting for the sharp pain to subside enough for me to get back up.  Maybe it was only a few moments I'm not sure.  Dirt sticking to me, absorbing the sweat from my body, and than I remembered where I was and what I was doing when I fell.

I looked back up the hill where I had been standing, and I forgot everything.  standing there looking at me was that bear.  It was a grisly.  I remember thinking about the humb on the back.  Its mouth was matted with the blood from the animal it had been eating on.  I tried to think about everything I read, but honestly the only thing on my mind was fear.  I tried to move, but I couldn't, I was frozen where I was.  Nothing responded, and than it started walking toward me.  Its eyes not wavering, its head down.

I'll skip the details.  In my dream there were plenty of them.  My death was not only painful and horrible, but I died scared and helpless.  I woke up short of breath and in pain.  I swear I could feel where my ribs were broke and the marks from the last place the bear had bit me.  sweat pouring off of me the sheets were wet.  It wasn't one of my better nights.  it had been about 3am when I woke, and I didn't go back to sleep.

It was about 6  weeks later when I had broke my ribs...on my right side.  No bears where involved...lol  I had the dream many times, actually more than I can count over the last 5 years.  It would come to me, unexpected, and it would haunt me.  I couldn't understand why It would be so real.  It's not like it has been the first bad dream I've ever had, but I couldn't change anything in the dream.  It always ended the same.  I always woke the same, shaken and afraid.

I've walked in the wilderness many times since than and even ran into a grisly in the wild.  The dream only held me captive in the deep of the night, no where else.  I have never understood it's purpose.  Not for the lack of trying, mind you.

It was a few months back during my "moment of clarity"  that I came to terms with that dream.  It was one of the things that all of a sudden made sense to me.  Being Eaton by a bear didn't disturb me as much as the fear that I felt.  It was horrifying, to say the least.  I felt helpless, and I do not like feeling that way.  I had that dream a few days ago, but I did change something.  I didn't run away, I accepted my fate, drew my knife and waited for the bear to come to me.  I'd like to say I fought well, but not really.  I still died a horrible death. I can still hear the sound of my bones breaking in its mouth as it tore into me.  My efforts at fighting it were useless, but there was a difference this last time.  I woke laughing, I knew I wouldn't have this dream anymore, I had nothing to fear.

It would be nice if it was the last shadow I had to deal with,  lol,  no such luck!

A question of all time.  who hasn't asked it.  It has eluded me for years.  People that have known me, sure have had some interesting opinions on that question.  As for me, I have always had a hard time with it.  In the mix of all the changes in the last 4 or 5 months, it has been at the core of everything.

I came to Grand Junction among other reasons to answer that question, and get on with the rest of my life.  lol  Or so the story goes.  I was given the answer to that question tonight.  It is not that I was surprised by what I heard tonight.  As with most questions we ask, we have the answer the whole time in front of us, but don't want to see it.

There are some things I still have a hard time accepting, but I'm willing to  and move on.  It's time to stop searching and start sharing the vision that I have.

Coming here was the right thing to do.  Perhaps it wouldn't matter were I was, as long I was true to myself, but there is a reason I came here.  I am very grateful for that.

over 6 months since this started.  hard to believe. yet it feels like this adventure is just starting

Now that I'm moved in and no longer have an apartment in Rock Springs I feel that i'm fully into the next phase of my life.  It has been interesting to say the least.  I use that word loosely.  So how is it going?

Well I like my house very much, when i walk through the door I feel at home, and more important I miss it when I leave.  While my bedroom is still a mess with items I haven't put away yet, I have a good working space, and I don't feel like I'm in a basement anymore...lol

I'm getting along well with my roommates.  Always a situation that is unknown until you live there a while.  Of course I've only spent 24 days in the house total over 6 weeks...lol  i so appreciate coming home to a clean house!  Something that I am most appreciative of.

I've met a wonderful woman and while we are still getting to know each other, I expect good things in the future.  I know she reads this, so i'm not going to say alot right now, but I will say I look forward to my days off even more than I did before.  I enjoy her company!!!  that's an understatement.

I've gotten to explore the area a bit over the last 4 rotations.  While I haven't produced quality photo's yet, I'm learning where to shoot and have been working on my skills with this camera.  recently I shot over 20,000 photo's with my new camera...  would be nice to get another 10,000 frames in before the end of the year...have to get out there!

I'm still working on the new job thing, but i suspect it will happen soon.  I feel pretty good on that front.

The basics of my business plan are coming together.   I have some basic goals and have been working on the specifics for next spring.

currently on track with my weight and exercise goals.  (at least until October 1st...lol might be close)  i'm feeling better than I have in years.  While I have a lot of work to do, I'm moving in the right direction.  My blood suger is behaving, which is a direct result of the exercise, and keeping my weight down.

Over all things are really going good...really good.  Even when i bitch about something, I think, shouldn't really be bitching...lol  i wanted to put this down, so when Its not as good I have a reference.  The goal is to keep moving forward not backward...why, because I'm not going that way!!!

In this part of Act II  life is good!

Finely got around to finishing up some pics from last rotation. 

Had a nice trip up the Mesa near Grand Junction.  Posted the pics in a album.  Take a look!

Tonight is one one of those rare nights that you are working and getting paid and you don't mind it...lol  We came back out to the Joana today and can't get on the pad until tomorrow.  Damm...a whole shift in Mancamp doing what ever I want and not working in the shop...  really hard stuff.  This last week has been so busy or at least it has seemed so.  Problem children at the shop requiring too much attention (broken trucks). 

Tonight I've been listening to the new CD's I've bought in the last few weeks and catching up on a number of details that have been left not taken care of...

I'm listening to a Cd called "trampled by turtles"  which I bought by accident...lol  turns out to be great.  always nice to have a little surprise. As I was going through the music on this computer, and listening to bits and pieces of songs, I discovered something lost.

Each song like a string on my soul.  playing them releases so much emotion within me.  Good and Bad.  Sometimes I forget just how much I had shut down.  rare moments like this I realize how far I've traveled. Day by day I feel a bit more alive.  Ii still feel like i'm in a desert, but I'm under a big sky and I can see the stars and I know where I'm at.  And it's all right, I've traveled by star light many times before:)

Had a nice workout yesterday and today.  At the motel while back in town.  We don't go out until Monday Night.  WIll be good to get out of here, but it hasn't been to bad being on nights.  Less bullshit.

Yesterday got a good 65 minutes and 740 cal burn on the eliptical.  today kept it down to 30 minutes.  So tomorrow and Monday working out at the hotel.  At mancamp there just isn't enough  time, easier to do the resistance band in the field.

Jay and I have been beating our heads against the wall on a nitrogen unit that hasn't been working.  the closer we get the more screwed up it seems to be.  drive's me crazy..  It would be handy if our schematics were correct, of course..lol  like that would happen.

Well I should stop writing in my blog, get off of break and go back to work to finish some of this stuff up.  Ya..not into it at all tonight...lol  thus is life.

This time always comes in the midst of strong goal setting.  That time when you are not specificlly driven to accoumplish a specific thing by a specific time.  Oh the goals are still there, but the feeling is lacking.  I know it is only tempory but it still feels like I am wondering around aimless instead of focused.

It's just a feeling and I know the rules of how to fix it, and what I need to do.  This 6 day's off has flown by.  I have to go back and onto mid's on top of it to boot.  My first night shift in over 9 months.  No I didn't miss that.  In some ways nights are better.  its cool out, less bullshit.  sometimes it's really hard to get things done because you can't see,  Night, Daa...lol

I have a number of things to work on this next two weeks.  More interesting things are taking place in my personal life.  Interesting or complicated, hard to say yet.   I expect to start working on my photo's next 6 off.  I've been givin several job offers.  Not bad ones, but not ideal yet.  still have time, but it is looking like the whole west is in termoil...lots of moving around of people.  making things uncertain.

I think the job thing is a big part of how I'm feeling.  Getting my apartment done was a big deal.  I talked with the landlord he has my deposit check for me.  that will be behind me. so now the other 20 things lol....

In some ways I don't know if my direction with the photography is right.  I'm in that uncertain stage...a lot of fear based bullshit.  I just need to concentrate on the things that need to be done.  1 step at a time and go from there.  I haven't set time goals yet.   that will come out of these next two weeks.  I'm certain that if I spend the time listening to Tony...lol I will come out of this work cycle on fire.  Its what I need.  it's too easy to drift through my time off.

Don't get me wrong I've had a good time this 6 days.  Really good time, but I can't seem to enjoy myself, unless I get these other issues under control...the struggle for gaining certainy in one's life.  I have some big questions to answer and I'm on the edge of getting it done. 

we shall see!!!

About 14 years ago I purchased a course from Tony Robbins called "lessons in Mastery"  I was excited about it at the time,  because I enjoyed and recieved a great deal of benifit from his other courses.  I could only get through disk 2, by disk three the questions that I had to ask myself, were too much.  I couldn't honestly ask them, I just had no idea.  I've listened to those first two disks a dozen times over the years.

I've always had the course close at hand.  it has always been by my computer, when I've moved I always had it with the stuff I could find without a problem.  since I've been working here, I've had the cd's in my computer bag.  Until this time I could only get through disk 2....those first two disks are amazing in the information and questions to ask.  Those questions helped me this spring when I started my journey on weight loss and the other things I've been doing, as a matter of fact, I could not have accomplished the goals I've set without that help.

In the third disk Tony gets into what it is you really want out of life.  the questions are to the point, and there is no wiggle room...lol  amazing how hard they can be to answer...but for the first time, I am developing the answers.  It's the right time.  In some way that by itself is a small comfort.  In the process of change, you can feel really out of place.  way out of your comfort zone.  Not that I haven't been in that place once or twice in my life...lol 

When you are high with emotions from motivation and change it can be easy to move in the direction you want, but there is always a time when you come out of the mountains and your walking on level ground, and it takes a great deal of focus to stay on the path you set out.  It's tempting to stop at the camp site and stay awhile, relax and not think about anything.  That is all right sometimes, but not when you have some place to be.

Somewhere in this process of change, I've come to the conclusion that this isn't about me....not sure when that happened...sometimes you can be so focused on what is happening with you, that you miss the big picture.  lol  I should have really known that from the beginning.  It changes things.  I still find myself trying to find my purpose.  I believe I know the direction, but will just have to reach out and try to find what is right.  Sometimes it takes a great deal of faith to move into the unknown.  Some days I think not an issue, other days I think can I just run away...lol 

Doubt can be a difficult thing to deal with.  My attitude has been to set it aside and move forward until I'm back into a comfortable place.  I'm moving close to making some major committments in my life that will tie me to specific courses of action...(more than I have already)  between now and the end of the year I have some tough decisions I will have to make about my future.

There is a part of me that wants to take it real slow and minimize my committment, but the committment is to myself, and I can't help thinking that it is just aboiut a fear of failure....fear of rejection, fear of no validation.  All the basic things we fight in the human condition.  Then I think that maybe these are lessons I need to learn, and the end result is not as important as the doing and experience of failing and succeeding. 

A month before I moved, I had, have, the overwelming feeling that there are some difficult lessons for me to learn waiting for me.  My attitude given the day has been very mixed.  I don't think I'm going to have to learn about math.  I fear that they are going to be very painful lessons, and I am not excited about the prospect.  Do I know what they are?  Maybe in my subconcious, but damm if I can put my finger on the feeling.  It would be nicer if life presented menu options, where you could pick what you want to tackle next...lol  Just doesn't work that way.  You don't realize you're in a test until it's well underway.  I do know I cannot get to my destination without them....and that is supposed to be a comfort...lol

On good days I remember that each day comes with a sunrise,(cloudy or not) and that it is a reminder that each day is a gift and an opportunity...it is what we make of it, and the night has the stars to guide us.

It is nice to have a tool like this to lay it out....because when I see it inprint, I realize that i'm up for this.  Ready?  lol when the hell have I been ready for anything I go after? I know I'll survive it, and prosper, and that is enough for now.  Time to pick up my pack and walking stick and continue on the path, I'm burning daylight:)