This time always comes in the midst of strong goal setting.  That time when you are not specificlly driven to accoumplish a specific thing by a specific time.  Oh the goals are still there, but the feeling is lacking.  I know it is only tempory but it still feels like I am wondering around aimless instead of focused.

It's just a feeling and I know the rules of how to fix it, and what I need to do.  This 6 day's off has flown by.  I have to go back and onto mid's on top of it to boot.  My first night shift in over 9 months.  No I didn't miss that.  In some ways nights are better.  its cool out, less bullshit.  sometimes it's really hard to get things done because you can't see,  Night, Daa...lol

I have a number of things to work on this next two weeks.  More interesting things are taking place in my personal life.  Interesting or complicated, hard to say yet.   I expect to start working on my photo's next 6 off.  I've been givin several job offers.  Not bad ones, but not ideal yet.  still have time, but it is looking like the whole west is in termoil...lots of moving around of people.  making things uncertain.

I think the job thing is a big part of how I'm feeling.  Getting my apartment done was a big deal.  I talked with the landlord he has my deposit check for me.  that will be behind me. so now the other 20 things lol....

In some ways I don't know if my direction with the photography is right.  I'm in that uncertain stage...a lot of fear based bullshit.  I just need to concentrate on the things that need to be done.  1 step at a time and go from there.  I haven't set time goals yet.   that will come out of these next two weeks.  I'm certain that if I spend the time listening to Tony...lol I will come out of this work cycle on fire.  Its what I need.  it's too easy to drift through my time off.

Don't get me wrong I've had a good time this 6 days.  Really good time, but I can't seem to enjoy myself, unless I get these other issues under control...the struggle for gaining certainy in one's life.  I have some big questions to answer and I'm on the edge of getting it done. 

we shall see!!!

About 14 years ago I purchased a course from Tony Robbins called "lessons in Mastery"  I was excited about it at the time,  because I enjoyed and recieved a great deal of benifit from his other courses.  I could only get through disk 2, by disk three the questions that I had to ask myself, were too much.  I couldn't honestly ask them, I just had no idea.  I've listened to those first two disks a dozen times over the years.

I've always had the course close at hand.  it has always been by my computer, when I've moved I always had it with the stuff I could find without a problem.  since I've been working here, I've had the cd's in my computer bag.  Until this time I could only get through disk 2....those first two disks are amazing in the information and questions to ask.  Those questions helped me this spring when I started my journey on weight loss and the other things I've been doing, as a matter of fact, I could not have accomplished the goals I've set without that help.

In the third disk Tony gets into what it is you really want out of life.  the questions are to the point, and there is no wiggle room...lol  amazing how hard they can be to answer...but for the first time, I am developing the answers.  It's the right time.  In some way that by itself is a small comfort.  In the process of change, you can feel really out of place.  way out of your comfort zone.  Not that I haven't been in that place once or twice in my life...lol 

When you are high with emotions from motivation and change it can be easy to move in the direction you want, but there is always a time when you come out of the mountains and your walking on level ground, and it takes a great deal of focus to stay on the path you set out.  It's tempting to stop at the camp site and stay awhile, relax and not think about anything.  That is all right sometimes, but not when you have some place to be.

Somewhere in this process of change, I've come to the conclusion that this isn't about me....not sure when that happened...sometimes you can be so focused on what is happening with you, that you miss the big picture.  lol  I should have really known that from the beginning.  It changes things.  I still find myself trying to find my purpose.  I believe I know the direction, but will just have to reach out and try to find what is right.  Sometimes it takes a great deal of faith to move into the unknown.  Some days I think not an issue, other days I think can I just run away...lol 

Doubt can be a difficult thing to deal with.  My attitude has been to set it aside and move forward until I'm back into a comfortable place.  I'm moving close to making some major committments in my life that will tie me to specific courses of action...(more than I have already)  between now and the end of the year I have some tough decisions I will have to make about my future.

There is a part of me that wants to take it real slow and minimize my committment, but the committment is to myself, and I can't help thinking that it is just aboiut a fear of failure....fear of rejection, fear of no validation.  All the basic things we fight in the human condition.  Then I think that maybe these are lessons I need to learn, and the end result is not as important as the doing and experience of failing and succeeding. 

A month before I moved, I had, have, the overwelming feeling that there are some difficult lessons for me to learn waiting for me.  My attitude given the day has been very mixed.  I don't think I'm going to have to learn about math.  I fear that they are going to be very painful lessons, and I am not excited about the prospect.  Do I know what they are?  Maybe in my subconcious, but damm if I can put my finger on the feeling.  It would be nicer if life presented menu options, where you could pick what you want to tackle next...lol  Just doesn't work that way.  You don't realize you're in a test until it's well underway.  I do know I cannot get to my destination without them....and that is supposed to be a comfort...lol

On good days I remember that each day comes with a sunrise,(cloudy or not) and that it is a reminder that each day is a gift and an opportunity...it is what we make of it, and the night has the stars to guide us.

It is nice to have a tool like this to lay it out....because when I see it inprint, I realize that i'm up for this.  Ready?  lol when the hell have I been ready for anything I go after? I know I'll survive it, and prosper, and that is enough for now.  Time to pick up my pack and walking stick and continue on the path, I'm burning daylight:)

As far as mondays go this has been a good one.  In the shop there never seems to be an end to the weird shit that happens, but out here somewhere in WY, its bussiness as usual.  not that there hasn't been problems, just managed.  We're fracing, everything is working, kinda hot out, but that's what air conditioning is for.  It's nice having my own truck out here.  Kinda like being the skpper of a Tug boat.  It may be small but it's yours.  lol  In Williston on the crews, there was never a place to sit and work...outside all the time, or in the cab of a truck that was vibrating all day...would put me to sleep.

Shit I even can Pick up the wireless internet out in my truck, getting pretty spoiled.  everthing better keep working.  Eric comes out tomorrow night.  We always work well together, will be a fun week.  Good way to finish up this rotation.  7 days left and Than I can go home.  Last sunday as I was traveling to Rock Springs, I felt a great deal of saddness at leaving Grand Junction.  I thought about it, and it was a very good thing.  The fact that I have found a place to call home is more than just nice.  I look forward to getting out and exploring next week.  I have an unfinished list from last time to get out and shoot.

The varnish on the Canyon walls is amazing down there.  Should be able to come up with some really cool photo's.

I purchased some inspiration to hang in my room, to help me think about what I want to put in its place.  The pie...that was just damm good!